SMALL BUSINESS HUMOR

Small Business Humor

“What’s so funny about running a small business?” you might ask. Well, you tell me. Send your anecdotes, jokes, groaners, limericks, one-liners, etc., and if they make me laugh (or groan) I’ll post them here with attribution.

I’ll start with one I use to start my book:

“I started my own business so that I wouldn’t have to work so hard,” explained the small business owner. “Sure enough, I only have to work half time. And, it doesn’t matter which twelve hours a day I work!”

Okay, you can do better than that. So send me yours. Here are some from my avid fans:

The humor of dealing with employees

Randy Block forwards the following quotes from actual performance reviews:

  * "Since my last report, this employee has reached rock bottom and has started to dig."
  * "This associate is really not so much of a has-been, but more of a definitely won't be."
  * "He would be out of the depth in a parking lot puddle."
  * "He sets low personal standards and consistently fails to achieve them."
  * "A room temperature IQ."
  * "This employee is depriving a village somewhere of an idiot."
  * "A photographic memory, but with the lens cap glued on."
  * "He has a full 6-pack, but he lacks the plastic thingy to hold it all together."
  * "He is so dense that light bends around him."
  * "Wheels are turning, but the hamster is dead."
  * "Some drink from the fountain of knowledge; he only gargled."
  * "Works well only when under constant supervision and cornered like a rat in a trap."

Self-employed author humor

One day my mail contained five rejection slips; two from agents, two from book publishers and even a rejection of a Budweiser rebate coupon. That hurt.
Charles H. Bertram author of CHIPPED BEEF ON TOAST, SOS

My favorite joke for home-based writers is -- “Not tonight, dear. I’ve got a deadline.”

Lucy V. Parker, Author, How to Start A Home-Based Writing Business, The Globe Pequot Press, 5th edition coming out in December

I was enjoying a cup of coffee at the downtown Toronto Sheraton Hotel’s newly renovated swank lobby lounge, comfortably settled in a lush orange leather sofa immersed in a book, when I was approached by one of the hotel concierges.

He courteously offered me a pencil and pad saying that if I had any “cravings.” If so, I could jot them down on the pad; then he’d drop by later to pick it up and see if I needed anything.

On the “Cravings” pad were a number of selections (such as hot pretzels) with prices that could be checked off.

I felt it was an interesting and unusual approach which deserved an equally original response, so I jotted down the following craving on the pad that was so generously provided:

“a six-figure book deal (with $100,000 checked off in the price section)”

Having done so, I promptly left the scene of the authorial crime.

Sharif Khan, Author, “The Hero Soul,” www.herosoul.com

Consultant humor

A shepherd was herding his flock in a remote pasture when suddenly a brand-new BMW advanced out of the dust cloud towards him. The driver, a young man in a Brioni suit, Gucci shoes, RayBan sunglasses and YSL tie, leaned out the window and asked the shepherd, "If I tell you exactly how many sheep you have in your flock, will you give me one?"

The shepherd looked at the man, obviously a yuppie, then looked at his peacefully grazing flock and calmly answered, "Sure."

The yuppie parked his car, whipped out his IBM ThinkPad and connected it to a cell phone. Then he surfed to a NASA page on the Internet where he called up a GPS satellite navigation system, scanned the area, and then opened up a database plus an Excel spreadsheet with complex formulas. He sent an email on his Blackberry and, after a few minutes, received a response. Finally, he printed out a 150-page report on his hi- tech, miniaturized printer. He then turned to the shepherd and said, "You have exactly 1,586 sheep".

"That is correct. Take one of the sheep," said the shepherd. He watched the young man select one of the animals and bundle it into his car.

Then the shepherd said: "If I can tell you exactly what your business is, will you give me back my sheep?"

"OK, why not," answered the young man.

"Clearly, you are a consultant," said the shepherd.

"That's correct," said the yuppie, "but how did you guess that?"

"No guessing required," answered the shepherd. "You turned up here, even though nobody called you. You want to get paid for an answer I already knew, to a question I never asked, and you don't know crap about my business.

"Now give me back my dog!"
Forwarded by Ruth Marcus, “fastest graphic designer in the West.” ruth@olypen.com (Ruth is one of my graphic designers.)

More author humor

I was a new author of the book, Escape The Pace: 100 Fun And Easy Ways to Slow Down and Enjoy Your Life.
I decided to break out and do speaking engagements and Urban Spa Escapes – workshops and spa retreats for stressed out busy women.

One fateful day in May, I was running around in a total state of panic because I was running out of time to plan my Urban Spa Escapes. I decided I needed a coffee and ran into a nearby coffee shop. As I was standing in line, I noticed a man staring at me. Seeing that I was stressed out, the man walked over to the counter, grabbed a fancy brochure from the table and handed it to me. Then he said, “You should attend this – it’s for stressed out business people.”

I grabbed the brochure, and lo and behold, it was a brochure for my Urban Spa Escape. I started laughing and he said, “What’s the problem?”

I said, “I’m teaching this course.”

Anyway, that was a true story and it was hilarious. Yes, sometimes we teach what we need to know.

Lisa Rickwood, "Small Biz Stress Buster"
Office Direct: 250.753.4100 or 250.741.7511
Email: info@escapethepace.com

Engineer humor

To the optimist, the glass is half full. To the pessimist, the glass is half empty. To the engineer, the glass is twice as big as it needs to be.

There was an engineer who had an exceptional gift for fixing all things mechanical. After serving his company loyally for 30 years, he happily retired. Several years later the company contacted him regarding a seemingly impossible problem they were having with one of their multi-million dollar machines. They had tried everything and everyone to get the machine to work but to no avail. In desperation, they called on the retired engineer who had solved so many of their problems in the past. The engineer reluctantly took the challenge. He spent a day studying the huge machine. At the end of the day, he marked a small "x" in chalk on a particular component of the machine and stated, "This is where your problem is." The part was replaced and the machine worked perfectly again. The company received a bill for $50,000 from the engineer for his service. They demanded an itemized accounting of his charges. The engineer responded briefly: “One chalk mark $1. Knowing where to put it $49,999.” It was paid in full and the engineer retired again in peace.

"Normal people believe that if it ain't broke, don't fix it. Engineers believe that if it ain't broke, it doesn't have enough features yet."

An architect, an artist and an engineer were discussing whether it was better to spend time with a wife or a mistress. The architect said he enjoyed time with his wife, building a solid foundation for an enduring relationship. The artist said he enjoyed time with his mistress, because of the passion and mystery he found there. The engineer said, "I like both." "Both?" the other two inquired? The Engineer explained, "Yeah. If you have a wife and a mistress, they will each assume you are spending time with the other one so you can go to the lab and get some work done."

(These have circulated on the internet.)

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